Satisfaction

I don't treat this blog as my personal outlet as much as I would normally. Hmm. I dislike the fact that when I do write, it's usually in some negative or dark tone. Retrospect makes us do that though right? Or am I the type who lies about seeing 'the glass half full'.

I caught up with little brother* this weekend (we haven't really talked or enjoyed company in months) and finally caught up with each other at Alderwood's Mac Grill for drainks. It's good to catch up and hear shit from someone far out from your perspective who will tell you things straight up. I appreciate honesty because criticism is healthy, and I don't get enough**.

The conversation became heavy and into the meaty part of life. For a while, I believed that our friendship went a bit sour. Not true, but he did decide to back off from me and my life. His reasoning? "You're never happy anymore and I didn't want to be around you because [no one] can make you happy, only yourself. It's that switch- you decide when to flip it back on."

Shit.

How revealing. His 'reason' was definitely wrong (but maybe a possibly factor in my recent 'recession'). And here's the reason I decided to blog: I AM LOOKING FOR THE WRONG THING. I'm too much a perfectionist who is too nice to get what I want, and because of that I allow people to walk all over me. The saddest part is that I am 100% completely aware of it.

Deep breath. I am the greatest excuse maker in the world when it comes to myself. I'm at rock bottom because I allow it and no one else.

The plan: "Success is the best revenge." My gym is about to have a home again. Once the doors open, the dominos will all be in place and I can finally flick the first one down and start.

• Budget is set. It's obviously a work-in-progress, but I hope it executes well.
• 1BR apt in Cap Hill. Studio if I have no options.
  
• Lose car, get a bicycle. Maybe a motorcycle?
• Focus on building my business and becoming an even more respected individual in my field/career.
• Stop worrying about my social stuff because I need to take care of #1.
• Return the favors I've been blessed with back.
  
• Enjoy life as I reach normality.
• Enjoy it even more when I surpass normality (12-36 month project).
  

I do well with planning, I'm just more comfortable with spontaneity. I don't want to fail or live on being pitied or looked down upon. I want to look happy. I want to it to be genuine.

*Was about to link you but I'd rather not put our shit out there.

**Or maybe I get enough, but I usually don't trust/respect the source enough to believe it to be real.




Distance and comfort.

Distance and comfort..

Distance and comfort...