22 December 2008

A slightly negative introspective

I keep telling myself that this is the calm before the storm.

What happened? I fell off and somehow became comfortable with being, in a sense, on the ground. I've been walked all over, kicked, ignored and frowned upon. You think that'd be enough motivation to pick myself back up and get things rolling again, but there's nothing. This is the lowest point I've ever hit.

I'm not faking everything, but I'm content. I know that I shouldn't be comfortable with this position, but regardless of what I say, do or think it remains. Am I not surrounding myself with the things I need right now? Is it visa versa? Why do I let myself remain uncomfortable (in the long run) for this temporary "happiness" (for lack of a better word). It all lays on me and I know it's my doing (or rather, undoing) this to myself. Where'd my motivation go? Why am I sitting on my hands waiting for something good to happen when the only real way to do is to get out there and take it myself?

Many thanks goes out to all of my friends who support me, who hold me up, who take care of me and let me know what they think about me and about the things I do. If not for you I would've completely given up a long time ago. Some time ago, a newfound friend pointed something out to me about who I am, even though we weren't close. She told me that "[I'll] never be happy because although [I] act confident, [I] only stay within my comfort zone." I took offense to that, but obviously that means there's truth to it. I tried to lie to her (and myself) immediately and retorted that she didn't know me. I'm sure we both knew right then that she was right.

I know that my friends also don't approve of a lot of other things I do, but for whatever reason don't confront me about it. Dudes- I'm stubborn as shit. Please... if I do anything that isn't right tell me. Don't save face. Tell me straight up before I get too deep. Before I'm fucked up beyond my own good. I hate when people beat around the bush. A couple of things are particular- I hear about how "[I'm] fukcing dumb." or "[I'm] a fool." Wow. Thanks for letting me know. All I ask is that you tell me straight. Please.

New year, new chances. New opportunities to take advantage of. Every year I say to myself "tabula rasa", but rarely do I really mean it. I don't usually need it. This time I do and it's too important to brush off. My future depends on the movement I do or don't do today.

I'll be posting up my actual list of goals to accomplish another time, but these are a couple of things I need to do: look out for #1 and make real money again, if I am working on my dream then it's got to take the backseat because my livelihood has suffered enough due to previous sacrifice, prioritize and chop off what I need and what I want, get my health game back up high- workouts, nutrition and knowledge, etc.

I need a fire under my ass.

Weird rant/emo post, I know.

I just need to vent more.

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